Early Morning Times

January 4, 2015

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My best questions come
In the early morning times
In quiet moments
I’m confronted with my life
My fears and anxieties

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I’m frightened sometimes by dreams
By realities of life
For others and for myself
My questions are hard

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What do I believe
I struggle with unbelief
About the world and the pain
How do I view me
And the big question is God
And the meaning of friendship

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I take the time to be still
To listen and contemplate
The puzzle of this journey
That involves my life

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In my early life
I learned to detach myself
To not feel the pain
My imagination flew
To a place where I felt safe

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I could settle down
With memories that were good
Of people who cared
Grandmothers and the neighbors
There was a secret comfort

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I found in the solitude
A forced abandonment pain
A feeling of helplessness
With no person there

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Solitary confinement
On the raft of shifting seas
With sharks all around
I was searching for answers
To understand and survive

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It was in this search
To find out who I can trust
I found a focus
Big enough to contain me
Give me perspective on my life

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No easy answers
But confidence I could find
The hidden love presented
By One I could trust
Who never failed to give love
To broken and lost children

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I am one of His
If I ask the question,”Why?”
I must ask then “Why not me?”
We all have a cross
His mysterious presence came
“Don’t be afraid, I’m with you”

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Reflections after reading Psalm 4, 34 and 64. Proverbs 4:7. I had no mother or father to guide my thinking or big enough to listen to the pain. I had no words to communicate. There was only silence and a simple prayer taught me. “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray thee, Lord, my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray thee, Lord, my soul to take.” There was a song I learned that I sang, “Jesus Loves Me” this I know. I chose as a child to hold onto this mysterious unseen love and to trust this unseen God. I grew up and learned his story and discovered there was One who was with me when I was unaware and the angels were attending. His love was there and looking back I can see. He brought me through it all with His angels attending. He will bring you through. In the midst of my unbelief I cry out confessing it and pray “Help my unbelief!

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every morning

July 1, 2009

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Every morning I arise

And confront the dark places

When I focus they arrive

Challenging the Peace

 

I’ve found that these feelings

I awake with each morning

Were falsely handed to me

From generations

 

Anxiety leads the way

Based on the fears that I have

My desperation hidden

In a secret place

 

These feelings are masked well here

Behind my pride, lust and greed

I know these are all true

About me and maybe you

  

I have learned this truth

Train to daily rest

Under stress my feelings rule

I know what they are

 

Naming my fears has helped me

Writing them down is better

Being honest with myself

I am powerless

 

When I was age twelve

I had figured out my world

How to survive and succeed 

It worked for a while

 

Be a “good boy” all around

“Perform to please the others”

“Be strong and show no weakness”

Then things will go well

 

These are the lies I believed 

My feelings are based on these

The voices that are in me

Are rooted in these

 

They will never go away

This one thing I have learned well

They’ve created a false self

That hurts me and you

 

So I meet them each morning

Allow their voices to speak

I am kind and forgiving

Then put them to sleep

 

A twelve year old will not rule

Who I will be in this day

When the stress arrives

The voice of love will speak

 

written June 30, 2009

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